I live by the notion that most people are garbage. It’s safer to assume the worst and then work backward. I know deep down you feel that shit too. Don’t trust anyone and then be pleasantly surprised when they show you that they aren’t trash.
Now, I don’t want to shit all over your Valentines day. I really don’t. But in order to get to the light, sometimes you have to go through the darkness, right? I promise I’mma get you there, but first I gotta kick some game.
I’m not saying that you have to or should live your life as I do. I’m doing alright. But this ain’t about me. This is about you.
Before you jump headfirst into long-term relationships before you go and get all boo’ed up…Before you drop hundreds of dollars on flowers and dinners and hotel rooms. Before you start asking for that ring…I really do believe that it’s smarter and safer to LOVE YOURSELF FIRST.
I’m not advocating to be completely and utterly selfish or to treat people like garbage. I’m not advocating to live a lonely, lonesome life because you “shouldn’t trust people” (you shouldn’t). I’m saying that once you really do show love for yourself, you start to understand that you don’t need another person to complete you. You’ll realize that although a partner can be a big part of your life, you shouldn’t need them to validate your existence. After all, you are your first priority and once your confidence is in place, only then should you focus on building deep relationships with others.
“Love yourself, girl, or nobody will. Oh, you a woman? I don’t know how you deal. With all the pressure to look impressive and go out in heels. I feel for you. Killing yourself to find a man that’ll kill for you
– J. Cole (Crooked Smile)
You set the standard for how you should be treated and others will follow by your example. Treat yourself like garbage, and I guarantee people will treat you like garbage. I know it isn’t easy. Our whole lives, we are bombarded with images and messages that tell you one thing…“You ain’t shit”:
- You’re too dark.
- Your nose is too big.
- You’re too fat.
- Your hair isn’t straight.
We’re taught that if we find Prince Charming or Princess Jasmine, everything else will fall into place. We’re taught that we need to find our “soul mate” and that we need someone to “complete” us. Magazine covers show us what we SHOULD look like. Movies and TV shows bombard us with images of what they consider beauty and desirability to actually be.
People of color, I know I’m preaching to the choir. We’ll get into this more another time, but for us, it’s even more frustrating. Black women are the least desirable and avoided ethnic group on all dating apps. The Bachelor has been on for what, 20 fucking years? How many Bachelor or Bachelorettes of color have there ever been? THE show about finding love is literally telling people of color “….this love shit ain’t for yall. Beautiful women? Yeah, they are all waif thin with long silky hair and pale skin”. ABC/Disney has branded happy endings and guess what. They ain’t for Y’all.
Sure, we can all have fun. Life should be about meeting new people and sharing experiences. But if you are really thinking about getting serious with someone, I’m saying that until you truly know who you are and what you want out of life, all this “bae” shit…. Look, you’re doing a disservice to yourself and to them.
Let’s get back on track. I’m trying to drag y’all through the bullshit to get you to the promised land. How do we get you there? Let’s start with 2 simple practices:
- Know yourself/Be yourself – We’re all grown, right? Who are you still trying to impress? If you can’t even be yourself at your most comfortable, do you even really exist? Are you trying to impress your friends? Are you trying to impress your parents? Are you trying to show out for that person you met at the club? If this is the case, aren’t you just pretending to be something that doesn’t really exist? If you don’t know who you are, you better find out quick, fast, and in a hurry. You need to search your soul and get back to basics.
- Know your boundaries – You know how much bullshit you are willing to take. Ask yourself? Are the people in my life treating me the way I wish to be treated? Do they have good intentions? Do they respect me? My thoughts? My wishes? If not, cut them out of your life. Period. Surround yourself with positive people. All that negativity will kill your drive and make you second guess everything you do.
So great. Now that your true self has awakened and you’re made of 100% positive energy and confidence, go lockdown a real one and go fornicate. Your close ratio will skyrocket. You’ll start pulling 8s and 9s. I guarantee you’ll even start putting it down better in the bedroom.
You’re not going to always make the best decisions, but hey, at least now you love yourself, right?
Need some inspiration? These are several songs that we think can help spark some confidence.