Further Discussion, General, Let's get into It

“I’m Not Black, I’m Tiger.”

          Last week, Tiger Woods completed one the greatest comebacks in sports as he won The Masters Golf Tournament after an 14 year hiatus and several knee & back surgeries. Many in the sports world told Woods to hang it up. Many said he’d never win ever again and that he was washed. Woods proved everyone wrong by reconstructing his golf game from the ground up. The result was an epic and historic win at the biggest tournament in the sport.

Today, Woods will visit his good friend Donald Trump at the White House to receive the highest honor that a civilian can be awarded, The Presidential Medal of Freedom. People are understandably upset that Woods is going and isn’t using this as a chance to take a stand against all the fucked up shit that Trump has done in his 2 years in office, but looking at the bigger picture, Woods has never stood up for big issues (in the black community or otherwise). This isn’t surprising considering he’s good friends with Michael “Republicans buy Jordans too” Jordan.

Why do we even care? We’ve always known who Tiger Woods is (even if Elin Nordgren didn’t). Do we expect too much of athletes? Black athletes especially?

I’m not Black, I’m O.J.!

O.J. Simpson

F. Dougie: Look, people can do whatever they want. I don’t think that we should be propping people up as heroes and telling them how to live or engage with the black community….But when you have Colin Kaepernick out here giving up his career to speak up for black people, when you Have LeBron James out here always speaking up for the black community and trying to empower us and emulating the example of Ali….. Visiting the biggest catalyst for the rise in white nationalism and hate crimes this century makes you look like an Uncle Tom.

“I’ve always wanted to say this….For Shizzle!”

– Dave Chappelle as Tiger Woods

Considering how many championship sports team have declined to go to the White House citing Trump’s racism, this presents itself as an opportunity for Trump to align himself with a popular athlete. I just see this as a lost opportunity and shame that Trump can once again use a black prop to show himself as a champion for black people when all the while he’s been winking and nodding at white supremacists.

Idris Gray: You’re right. People should be able to do whatever they please. I’m actually not mad at all about the honor I think it recognises the impact that Tiger has had on Sports. He’s basically the MJ of golf right? But I’m just being consistent. I didn’t want to see NFL or NBA champs in the White house because of the Don, and I don’t want to see Tiger in there either. You’ve stated the reasons already. He is a clearly the representation of hate for minorities. He’s also a misogynist. I don’t really see how anyone could want to associate themselves with him knowing his opinion of people who look like us. Perhaps this honor is too big an honor to boycott? But that’s exactly why I think that refusing to participate in the ceremony would send waves.

I often wonder about the idea of selflessness when things like this come up. Perhaps Tiger doesn’t feel at all slighted about the various things that Donald Trump has said and done in the past. Maybe he doesn’t identify with the various groups that have been impacted by the hate his presidency has encouraged. But at some point you still need acknowledge the problem even if you don’t feel them directly yourself. That’s why that O.J quote you mentioned is very problematic. The fame and wealth that you’ve created as an athlete shields you from the plight of average black man. But that doesn’t mean you should ignore it.

What do you guys think?

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Avengers: Endgame — Movie Review (Spoiler Free)

Runtime: 3 Hours and 2 Minutes

Directors: Joe and Anthony Russo

Starring:
Robert Downey Jr.
Chris Evans
Mark Ruffalo
Chris Hemsworth
Scarlett Johansson
Jeremy Renner
Don Cheadle
Paul Rudd
Brie Larson
Karen Gillan
Danai Gurira
Bradley Cooper
Josh Brolin

The Universe has been Balanced

We finally made it. We reached the end of Marvel’s Infinity Saga. The most ambitious and successful cinematic universe ever created on film. The reviews are glowing (96% Positive Reviews with a 94% Audience Rating as of this article’s writing) and the film broke damn-near every record imaginable by making $1.2 Billion in its opening weekend. You guys know the story by now.

When Marvel Studios launched Iron Man in 2008, they did so in the Marvel comic book style of storytelling beginning a 12-year epic saga (Imagine Game of Thrones or Harry Potter for comic movies). The creators and producers wanted to create a world in the movies that mirrored the Marvel Comics. Not a world where new characters would just appear in sequel after sequel, but a cinematic experience where those stories would work was as their own tales but also work towards a larger goal. A world where Captain America, Thor, Spider-Man, and Captain Marvel could just drop by unannounced. In the comic world, these characters and stories were often tied together into larger overarching stories to tell a massive publishing wide epics.

“Whatever it takes…”

We personally recommend the following:

House of M – $17.99

Civil War – $17.99

Planet Hulk– $18.99

Secret Wars– $14.99

Siege – $15.99

Spider-Island – $23.99

Infinity– $29.99

Spider-Verse– $29.99

Secret Empire– $26.99

Their first goal was to introduce the world to several stand-alone superheroes and bring them together as the world’s greatest superhero team. The Avengers. The film was the biggest movie of its time and began Phase 2 of the next 8 years of storytelling. We came to grow with and love these characters. We watched their journeys and immersed ourselves in one of the most unique movie-going experiences ever created.

“We’re in the endgame, now”

Dr. Strange / infinity war

Years of character growth and development, seeding plot, easter eggs, hints, reveals, and meticulous planning has gone into this finale. The main actors contracts are up and it’s time for someone else to begin a new story. At this point, Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man and Chris Evans as Captain America are as iconic as Christopher Reeves was as Superman. As fans, we’ve been loyal and patient. We’ve wanted an ending and some closure, but we’ve also been on the edge of our seats waiting to find out if the good guys can save the day.

Without spoilers, what did we think of the film and experience?

F. Dougie: You already know how I feel.

There were soooo many amazing moments. I feel very rewarded for being a true fan of this experience. We’ve been rewarded for our loyalty. The cast and crew got a great send-off, and the characters were all put in what I think were the right places. We laughed, we cried (I cried), we cheered.

I honestly don’t think something on this scale will ever be pulled off again. The bar has been set. I’ll share this experience with my grandkids. Yes, I’m sure they will make more movies. There is too much money at stake for them not to, but as far as this saga? For me, it was perfect, and nothing will ever take this away from me.

Idris Gray:

I’d consider myself a fan of the genre and a big fan of action movies in general, I’m nowhere near the size fan that Dougie is, but  I’ve enjoyed all of the Marvel films and like everyone I have my favorites. Remember that scene in Winter Soldier where bucky rips the steering wheel off and Falcon just has that “I’m fucked” look on his face? How about Killmonger yell and point is this your king after handling T’challa? Listen there are a million scenes in the past 20+ films that we’ll remember forever, and Endgame just adds a whole lot more to that list.

Without getting into any specifics, there’s just never been a final movie in a series quite like Endgame. It stays true to the spirit of all the prior movies that came before it, while offering up a brand new element that had previously only been touched in a prior movie. They really dove into some new territory here, and it worked. They really did Stan Lee proud with this one.

The Infinity Saga is over and we’re more than satisfied with its conclusion, but we also can’t wait to see what the next generation of filmmakers does with these amazing characters. Here’s to another decade of Marvel movie magic.

Have an avid movie-goer in your circle of friends or family? Make it easier on yourself and gift them Fandango gift cards! (Link Here)

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UFC 236: Adesanya and Nigeria do it again

This past weekend we witnessed the UFC fight that has a good chance of going down in history as the best interim title fight of all time. Perhaps even the best title fight period. On a night where the main event included 1 of the top 5 pound for pound fighters in the world and a mixed martial artist with over 20 fight under his belt in the UFC alone, you’d think I was talking about the Holloway and Poirier bout. But you’d be wrong. That greatest of all time title fight was actually the Middleweight fight between Israel Adesanya and Kelvin Gastelum.

We are huge fans of the UFC, and when any match up is announced that includes Israel Adesanya, we are extremely excited (Especially Idris). This is because Adesanya is a tactician on the feet, the likes of Jon Jones and Conor (whether you like it or not). Adesanya always delivers a compelling match. His last fight with Anderson Silva was originally slated to be a co-main event fight but was changed to a main event after Robert Whittaker vs Kelvin Gastelum was pulled after a life threatening injury to Whittaker. Needless to say Adesanya delivered.

He managed to out strike Anderson Silva, who is regarded by many to be the best striker to ever fight in the UFC. And sure Silva was past his prime when these two fought, but Adesanya and Silva put on a great fight. Which at the end of the day is what the fans wanted to see. That fight set up this past weekend’s fight with Israel Adesanya facing off against Kelvin Gastelum. And again Adesanya delivered.

In round 1 Kelvin comes out swinging hard, throwing bombs and actually surprises Israel in round one. Nothing too serious but he planted him with a couple shots and put him on notice with how close he gets to Landing a few Haymakers. It’s at this point I realized that this isn’t going to be such an easy fight for Adesanya. Gastelum is faster and stronger than I thought.

In round 2 Israel Adesanya gets comfortable. He attempts several head kicks and sets up his combos a lot better. This is Israel that we’re used to. Really dynamic striking and great head movement.

Round 3 is a bit more of the same for Adesanya, he’s mixing up his striking well going to the legs and the abdomen a Kelvin Gastelum. But that’s mom’s not sleeping either his job is reaching Israel and you can tell that Israel is feeling them. Still, I think at this point I’d Adesanya is winning the match.

Round 4 is it where it gets really interesting! Towards the end of the round, Gastelum catches his opponent with a clean left kick. Israel right under his chin and wobbles him. Calvin has a chance to take real Advantage here but instead of moving forward with more punches he looks for the clinch?! This is probably where Kelvin lost the match, as this was his biggest opening to take his Israel out.

In round 5 is where Israel Adesanya cemented himself as a star! After some forward pressure from Kelvin, Israel to the surprise of most everyone in the bar traps Gastelum in a guillotine. Calvin slips out but is forced to the ground where Israel puts him into another submission attempt, a triangle! Didn’t know Israel had that in his bag… Kelvin escapes and they both end up on the feet. And that’s where the fight stays (for the most part). At this point is real has found his Mark and continues to rock Calvin with punch after punch. It turns out that Kelvin Gastelum is The Terminator and cannot be stopped in a match. He survives but this is a clear victory for Israel Adesanya

This fight is just one of the many great fights that we’ve seen from the UFC this year. The fights and cards keep getting better. I don’t know how long they can keep up this pace, but I hope they do. As for Israel, we’ll be looking forward to his next match to unify the championship with Robert.

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Movie Review: Guava Island

Guava Island

Directed by: Hiro Murai

Screenplay by: Stephen Glover
Starring: Donald Glover, Rihanna, Nonso Anozie, and Letitia Wright
Running Time: 55 Minutes

“This IS America. Anywhere, where to get rich you have to make someone else richer, IS America.”

– Deni (donald glover)

    Donald Glover dropped a surprise movie this weekend co-starring the ever talented and beautiful Ms. Robyn Fenty (Rihanna) and with all the great projects he’s been involved in over the last few years (Awaken, My Love!, Atlanta, Solo: A Star Wars Story, The Lion King) we were naturally intrigued.

Like most of Glover’s projects, Guava Island is hard to pin down or classify. Glover and his Director, (Hiro Murai of Atlanta fame) almost seem to delight in the fact that they have almost no obligation to follow any kind of tv or movie making rules. The film is shot entirely in Cuba in the atypical 4:3 aspect ratio, giving the sense that it’s older than it really is.

The film incorporates the most recent songs from Childish Gambino‘s (Glover’s musical alias) most recent catalogue. We’re feeling some real MJ/Thriller vibes as the film seamlessly switches from movie to music video. At only an hour so its an easy watch.

Given the rabid fan anticipation over Rihanna’s upcoming album, fans my be slightly disappointed that her role (especially musically) isn’t as pronounced in this film, but make nor mistake, her presence is felt. Ms. Fenty is still coming into her own as an actress and this project was a brilliant way for her to flex some of those chops on a smaller scale before taking on another more prominent role.

You feel like Summertime Magic

Plot: Kofi (Rihanna) narrates the animated opening sequences, telling the tale of Guava Island as a folk and fairy tale that all children on the island know. Her friend Deni (Glover) would come to her window every night to sing her songs and make her feel like living on the island wasn’t so mundane.

Fast forward to present day, and Deni is now a musician, dock worker, and radio station DJ where he plays live music to the people of the island while they work their difficult jobs. He dreams of writing a song so amazing that it will bring together the entire island and defy the evil ruler of the island, Red Cargo (Nonso Anozie). To reach this end, Deni plans a secret all-night music festival (this film was released during Coachella weekend. Wink wink) which angers the boss of the island because people will miss work the next day… I get it. Not terribly intricate but this film is more about the music so you might have to give them a little latitude.

Glover and Murai seamlessly tie Childish Gambino’s music into the story and that is where I think the film excels. Without giving too much away, our favorite scene takes place at one of Deni’s jobs. While at work, a co-worker wonders aloud how great it would be to leave the island and go to America. In typical Deni fashion, he makes light of the man’s naïveté and ignorance taunting him with the lyrics to This is America“:

“This is America / Don’t catch you slippin’ up / Look at how I’m livin’ now
Police be trippin’ now / Yeah, this is America / Guns in my area / I got the strap /I gotta carry ’em”

– This Is America

Other well-incorporated songs include:

Summertime Magic

Terrified

Feels Like Summer

In typical Glover fashion, the film takes some dark turns, but the message and overall tone land well. Check it out and let us know what you think.

“In the end, what else do we have but dreams”.

– Kofi (rihanna)
Guava Island Playlist
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Renzo Gracie Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Academy: Review

         Renzo Gracie Jiu-Jitsu Academy: Review

”Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?”

”No, Sensei!”

”Pain does not exist in this dojo, does it?”

”No, Sensei!”

”Defeat does not exist in this dojo, does it?!”

”No, Sensei!”

”Prepare! What do we study here?”

”The way of the fist, sir!”

”And what is that way?”

”Strike first, strike hard, no mercy, sir!”

”I can’t hear you!”

”Strike first, strike hard, no mercy, sir!”

Our bad. That’s Cobra Kai, not Renzo BJJ…

We recently took the plunge and participated in our first class at Renzo Gracie Jiu-Jitsu Academy here in  New York City. If you don’t know who Renzo is (pronounced Henzo), as a 6th degree Black Belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, he’s from the legendary Gracie family of BJJ and has titles, awards, and trophies in every major Martial Arts prestige from the UFC to the Pride Fighting Championships.

The beginners class includes a 30-minute tutorial from one of the school’s many talented instructors, a practice Gi, and 2 additional classes (either BJJ or Muay Thai). All of this is free! They don’t try to hustle or harass you into joining. There are no questions asked and they really give you the opportunity to learn and see for yourself if you like the academy and martial art before discussing any kind of pricing or packages.  

After learning the basics in the 30-minute intro class (Stance, Falling, Rolling, Half Guard) we joined the hour-long white belt class. The class was full of people of all shapes, sizes, color, ethnicity, and gender. Even though we were clearly new to all this, everyone was welcoming and accommodating.

We started with the warm-up (if you want to call it that). We’re typically pretty active ourselves. Dougie Boxes at Gleason’s twice a week and Idris lifts and crosses fools over at the Y on Thursdays. He’s nice with the fadeaway (RAINDROPS!). But the warm-up was still enough to get a good sweat going. I can only really describe it as a lighter version of circuit training designed to work every part of your body and get the muscles that you’ll be doing while practicing BJJ engaged. We can’t lie, we were both a little gassed afterward. Honestly, that shouldn’t scare you off. The warm-up and full program are very accommodating and although it designed to give you a full-body workout, you can go at your own pace without any meatheads screaming in your face.

You should actually sweep the leg in these scenarios…

Warm-Up —  Several rounds of jogging, push-ups, rolling, sit-ups, side crawls, knee highs, squats, shrimp , etc.

Idris Grey: Yo, this is the warm up? How many laps we doing?!

F. Dougie: Stick with me fam! Don’t leave me behind!

Idris Grey: I need some milk!

F. Dougie: You’re fine fam.

Idris Grey: I think I pulled something. Yup definitely pulled my groin.

F. Dougie: Damn, you won’t be fucking for 2 weeks at least!

10 minutes later…

Idris: I’m done. I don’t know if I can do anymore…

Dougie: I’m drenched in sweat…I thought I was in decent shape. Hold’up, there’s more class left?! How long were we warming up?!

Idris: It’s all good. Everyone else is sweating too. We got this.

You will not be learning Rex Kwon Do, here…

Major Skills Learned

Headlock Defense (0:53)

Base, Posture, and Frame.

The basic principle of having a strong base is key here. This is so the opponent is less likely to be able to move or control your body. Keeping good posture is also paramount. This is done by keeping your head up, so your opponent cannot easily break your head down and control your body. Where the head goes, the body must follow. Strong frames keep your opponent at a fixed position and enable you to move in a fashion which will after proper positioning, allow you to escape the typical schoolyard bully strategy of headlock.

Your basic schoolyard bully headlock. Pretty simple to escape, actually…

Back Mount Defense

Keep your chin down to hinder their grips from reaching your neck. (You don’t want to get choked out. Your shoulders are up, making it harder for the opponent from choking you from behind. Your elbows are tight to your body and your hands are protecting your neck. We’re fairly certain that all members of the Wu-Tang Clan have mastered this technique. (“Protect ya neck!” ) Your head goes to the ground, your back moves to the ground. Here is where we look to escape. As soon as someone gets their hooks in, your head should be going down to the mat. Early prevention is best.

Better yet…never let anyone take your back. It’s the most dominant position in all of combat.

You don’t ever want to be in this position…

Side Control

Renzo says it best. We’ll let the legend himself tell you how it’s done.

These are the basics, folks.

Delariva (Pronounced De-la-Hee-va)

This one is more advanced but still worth a close look. Delariva is an old-school, new-school guard, named after BJJ legend Ricardo De La Riva. No guard is a real guard without the principle of kuzushi. A Japanese term which means to unbalance one’s opponent. Simply, no guard is a guard if it does not have a push AND a pull.

Advanced and effective.

Overall, we highly recommend at least giving Renzo Gracie Jiu-Jitsu Academy a shot. It’s an amazing way to stay in shape. It’s a lot of fun too, once you get past that burning in your chest. It tests your cardio, flexibility, strength, and even your creativity. Like we mentioned, even the warm up had us looking for the nearest water fountain. But even more importantly, learning to defend yourself these days is paramount. Hate crimes are at record highs and people are more hostile than ever. People get into altercations on the subways and on the streets for as doing as little as accidentally bumping into one another.

We are not saying that you need to become a ninja or assassin or anything like that, but learning what you don’t know could help save you from bodily harm or worse. Do you know how to escape a basic headlock? These guys can teach you to reverse and control someone twice your size and strength with 2 easy motions. Learning not to panic in a difficult situation or knowing that the most simple technique can help diffuse a bad situation can give you greater peace of mind while you navigate through these mean streets.

We saw men women and even children with the confidence and determination to know that they were in control, and that is real power. Give ‘em a shot, and tell em OB sent ya.

We also noticed many of the students wearing what were called Rash Guards and Spats. These are base compression layer of protective wear that eliminate friction, rubbing, bruises, and are also antimicrobial & anti-fungal! They are like a layer of high-tech armor to eliminate damage and help you recover faster. Honestly, they are stylish and comfortable as well and are a great buy around $19.99 each.

Sanabul Rash Guards (Amazon Choice) $25.99

Sanabul Compression Rash Guard – $25.99

Sanabul Spats (Amazon Choice) $16.99

Sanabul Compression Spats – $16.99

Elite Sports Rash Guards (Amazon Choice) $16.99 – $19.99

Elite Sports Compression Rash Guard – $16.99 – $19.99

Elite Sports Spats $14.99 – $15.99

Elite Sports Compression Spats – $14.99 – $15.99




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General

Us – Movie Review

     Jordan Peele’s newest film dropped this March, 2019. Since winning an Oscar for the thought provoking Get Out, he’s been one of Hollywood’s most sought after Director/Producers. Not only is he producing several upcoming projects, he’s been hired by CBS to relaunch “The Twilight Zone” this fall on CBS.

Ever since we heard the unmistakable low tones of “I Got 5 On It” during the trailer for Us last fall, audiences have been eagerly awaiting Peele’s 2nd feature film with anticipation. Get Out was not only horrifying and starting, it also delivered in making audiences socially and politically uncomfortable by commenting directly on how black and white Americans interact with one another socially, romantically, and politically.

Part of the anticipation for Us was the nervous wondering aloud: “Can Peele do it again, or was Get Out just a once in a lifetime film”?

The answer for us is a resounding “Yes”.

Idris Gray: Going into the movie I had high hopes and preconceived notions about what I was about to see. I figured Jordan Peele was going to flip the typical scary movie/thriller on its head and give us something new and thought provoking. Something that made somewhat of a social or political statement. Here at Objectively Black we are not about spoilers or robbing our readers of any surprises so I’m not going to tell you if those expectations were met. But what I will say is that I came out of the movie thoroughly satisfied with what I had seen.

The movie scored high for me on the storyline alone. The plot and subsequent plot twist was so well written and led you on a journey that had you questioning what the fuck was going on for the better part of two hours. The movie gently grabs your curiosity and pulls you in more as you continue watching eventually you start trying to put all the clues together as you watch. Do yourself a favor and don’t try and figure it out, just watch the film.

As far as the cast goes, they all did an amazing job. If you’ve seen the trailers then you know at the very least that the main characters are confronted by antagonists that look exactly like them. No spoiler there. So essentially each actor played 2 separate roles through the course of the movie. And oh, lets not forget Lupita Nyong’o. She really went in on this role. If it wasn’t for the ominous music providing a constant reminder, you’d end up wondering if Us is a horror, thriller or drama. And that’s mostly because of her performance.

I don’t want to give away anything more than this. I know I’m not telling you much besides “It’s great”. But you really won’t be disappointed here. Whether you are a casual or die hard fan of the horror genre or more so someone who doesn’t watch scary movies but just liked how poignant “Get Out” was, you’ll enjoy this film. I’ll definitely be watching again.

F. Dougie: So first of all, I thought that the concept was incredibly interesting. The duality of playing people against evil versions of themselves has always been one of my favorite fantasy tropes. This iteration of that idea was expertly written and executed. The movie is very heavy on setup, but even though the first 20 minutes or so are big on exposition, the payoff (if you are paying attention) is huge. It has a way of keeping you on the edge of your seat because you just want to understand what the hell is going on.

This is a flat out horrifying movie in a genre that has a tendency to get kind of cheesy. I thought that Lupita Nyong’o did an amazing job leading the cast in a role that called for her to essentially play 2 different characters. She hit every emotion that you could hit as an actor and if this is the kind of performance that warrants an Oscar, she should definitely be in consideration.

Winston Duke bought the funny as the goofy, boat-loving and loveable patriarch of the family. Without giving too much away, his corny dad jokes are so on point, that by the time we actually need him to toughen up, it’s hard to believe that he could actually hurt a fly.

All of the characters were very developed and the new young actors did their thing as well. Especially the young daughter.

All in all, I’ll definitely be seeing this one again. Unlike Get Out, it’s not political per se, but there are possibly some heavy ideas here for you to chew on while Jordan peele is scaring the hell out of you. Aside from the above, I can’t help but shake the feeling that Peele is making some pointed comments about America and the way that we deal with others. We love to “point fingers”, but most of the damage to our country has been done from within. Sometimes, we can be our own worst enemies.

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Are the Grammy’s Still Relevant? Live Analysis – Objectively Black

      The Grammy Awards are upon us once again. An annual tradition where the Recording Academy historically shits all over Hip-Hop and music in general. The Grammys are supposed to be the most prestigious awards in all of music, but they are notorious for making epically controversial, questionable, and horrible decisions.

The award nominations process is slowly improving. It’s by no surprise that back in 2017 when they changed to an online voting process, the result was the most diverse field ever. Many fans are still not happy with the diversity and gender makeup of the Album Of The Year nominees. We can point to 2018’s Lorde, being the only female artist up for the award, and even then she was the only AOTY artist that did not get a chance to perform live.

Now, in 2019, the Grammys are still fucking up. The two biggest artists in Hip-Hop (or music in general) aren’t performing and reportedly aren’t even bothering to show up. Not sure what’s going on there, but if its anything like the restrictions that they are trying to place on the artist with the current #1 song in the world, Ariana Grande, they really fucked this up. She’s reportedly so upset at the show trying to censor and control her art, she’s declined to perform entirely.

With that said, is this show even relevant any longer? If this really is the biggest night of the year for music? Why aren’t the 3 biggest artists in the world performing? You probably didn’t even watch the Grammys, did you? Well, we did. Someone had to…

F. Dougie: Yo, I’m FADED.  Who’s up first?

Performance – Camila Cabello, Young Thug, J Balvin, and Ricky Martin – “Havana”

Dougie: I do like this song tho. If she don’t do the Spanish version, I’m out….

Idris: Actually amazing performance fam. Camila Cabello tho… I ain’t mad at her

Dougie: Ok, I see you Ricky Martin rocking the El Chapo mustache. Yeah fam, they killin it. Latin America taking back the charts.

Host – Alicia Keys

Dougie: Alicia Keys looking good as always…

Idris: Right now, Alicia looks like your auntie when you pop in on her unexpectedly. It’s working though.

Dougie: LOL, no shade.

Yo, is J. Lo wearing a Sombrero?

Idris: First Lady Michelle Obama out here looking like a queen.

….and that’s racist fam. Why it got to be a sombrero?

Dougie: *shrugs* MICHELLLLLLLLEEEEE! South Side!

Idris: Alicia asking who runs the world? Donald Trump, Alicia… Donald Trump currently runs the world. We should be ashamed of ourselves.

Dougie: They bout to get Donald Jr. tho. These ladies ain’t worried about no Donald tonight.

Performance – Shawn Mendes – “In My Blood”

Dougie: I think his piano is on fire…

Idris: Trash. Canceled. Lol. Where are the homies sleeves? Where’s Miley’s Shirt? I’m confused.

Dougie: Miley Cyrus? Oh, she’s done pretending to be black now? No more twerking? This bitch can sit the fuck down. Yeah, I said it. Take a seat. Take several.

Award – Best Pop Duo/Group Performance

Idris: Edelman won the MVP? Wow that actually kind of interesting.

Dougie: News to me…. I’m saying tho, how you feel being the MVP of the worst Superbowl game of all time. Score was like 6 to 3, right?

Idris: Backstreet boys have a new song out? What year is it? I’m not qualified to comment on this award.

Dougie: 2019. This is America.

Where the fuck is Cardi? I need her to come out and drag somebody.

Dougie: Oh shit, there goes Gaga. I fox wit her.

Idris: Yeah I was down with Paparazzi back in the day. That was my shiiiit.

Dougie: I’ll be back. I’m going to get some popcorn…


Performance – Kacey Musgraves – “Rainbow”

Dougie: …..who is this?

Idris: Oh this is Kim Kardashian’s little niece I think. This is the kind of music you listen to after your parents forbid you from seeing that boy from down the block. And they refuse to buy you the red Porsche you wanted. “It’ll be okay, little Jamie”.

Dougie: Quick Google search tells me shes a Country singer. Doesn’t sound like country… Looks like she’s playing it safe tonight. I wonder if she’ll have Kanye come out.

Performance – Janelle Monae – “Make Me Feel”

Idris: Oh Dear God. Thank You.

Dougie: Settle down fam. Neither one of us has a chance (shout out to the LGBTQ community).

Idris: Damn I don’t have DVR either.

Dougie: Too much pink for you anyway

Idris: I’m not sure what that means. I like pink.

Dougie: Ok, we moonwalking now?! I’ve never seen 10 people moonwalk before….

Idris: Well I’m starting to feel something too Janelle. Great performance!

Dougie: Where is Tessa Thompson?

Commercial – Gambino – Pixel 3

Dougie: Damn. That Donald Glover Commercial was kinda lit. Definitely had some MJ vibes. Might have to cop a Pixel 3

Award –  Song of the Year

Dougie: THIS. IS. AMERICA.

Idris: Hey, well-deserved win for Mr. Glover.

Dougie: “Don’t catch you slippin, tho”.

Performance – Red Hot Chili Peppers and Post Malone – “Rockstar/Dark Necessities”

Dougie: Ok…. The Chili Peppers are one of my favorite bands of all time…. But with Post Malone?

Idris: Didn’t know Post could play guitar. So far this isn’t a disaster.

Dougie: Yeah, I thought he just played Call of Duty.

Idris: Oh here we go. SWITCH IT UP QUICK. My guy playing both sides.

Dougie: Damn, from banjo to trap music REAL QUICK. These new artists are “multi-talented” I guess.

Idris: Most confusing performance of all time winners goes to… Shit, it actually sounds ok though.

Dougie: Yeah, I love this song (Dark Necessities). Great video too.

Performance – Kacey Musgraves, Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, Little Big Town, and Dolly Parton

Idris: Here we go with #grammysowhite

Dougie: We gotta see Miley Cyrus AGAIN?! I better see Cardi no less than thrice.

Idris: This performance was half the Grammy hairspray budget

Dougie: Twerk Miley. I thought you were holdin it down for the big girls? For the hood girls? Her family must have had an intervention.

Idris: Lol. They still can’t find her a fucking shirt? All these performances?

Idris: I have to shout out to Dolly and country music. I don’t know shit about it but they got harmonies down.

Dougie: I mean, yeah. Dolly Parton has always done her thing.

Idris: I’ve met my country quota for the year.

Dougie: I love when they show the crowd and niggas act like they know the lyrics but clearly don’t.

Idris: Woah this 9-5 shit fire tho. Smokey feeling it too.

Dougie: I love all these Apple Music plugs…. Let me turn on my Spotify so I can see if I recognize some of these songs.

Idris: Oh there you go, Alicia.

Dougie: That classic Alicia look. Love the hat.

Performance – H.E.R. – “Hard Place”

Idris: Somewhere Azealia Banks is hating hard on this girl

Dougie: LOLOLOL. Azealia lost her damn mind. Ain’t she hiding in Russell Crowe’s closet or something?

H.E.R. is killing it tho. She, is killing it?

Idris: YES. She is doing really well. Amazing.

Commercial – Lincoln on Lincoln

Idris: They got Abe Lincoln in a Lincoln commercial.

Dougie: Yo, I’m too faded for this. I don’t know if it’s disrespectful or brilliant. Also….why did it take them this long for them to put Abe Lincoln in a Lincoln commercial.

Idris: I don’t know either fam.

Performance – Cardi – “Money”

Dougie: Yo, can you break a $50? I need like 50 one dollar bills….

Idris: LOL

Dougie: I’m so glad my wife is in bed asleep.

Idris: Offset feels the same way I think

Dougie: YOOOOOOOOOO!  Lol

Award – Best Country Album

Dougie: Garth Brooks, lettsss gooooooooo!

Idris: Damn… I couldn’t care less about anything in the world. I’m seriously trying to figure out what the ingredients in my beer are.

Dougie: Kacey Musgraves? Did Kanye produce this album?

Interlude – Alicia Keys Karaoke

Idris: Alicia showing off for no good reason.

Dougie: She really gon sit here and play 2 pianos at once?

She’s so positive all the time. I love it.

Can we just listen to her play piano for the rest of the night?

Idris: Yeah man she’s got 15 Grammys and still underrated. Is that possible?

Dougie: No respect. Meanwhile they got us out here listening to Taylor Swift. For what, nigga?!

Now she doing, ‘Boo’ed up’?! Fam. She just played like 12 songs off top with NO sheet music.

I’m buying tickets to the next Alicia Keys show and I’m bringing the baby with me.

Idris: These poor blokes have to follow Alicia Keys.

Performance – Dan + Shay “Tequila”

Dougie: Who are these guys? They ain’t bad tho. They are doing pretty good.

Idris: Yo rewind the DVR back to Alicia… Fuck.. I don’t have that shit. Honestly, they aren’t tho. You right.

Dougie: Get that YouTube TV homie!

They must be country because they are singing about Colorado and Tequila. I want them to break into ‘Hypnotize’ by Biggie tho. That would impress me.

Idris: That last note was unnecessary though.

Dougie: You following Alicia Keys tho, you know? You gotta rip that shit.

Award – Best Rap Song

Idris: Ayyy, Gods Plan. We in here for the light skin niggas. Honestly, it was this or “Kings Dead”. But God’s plan was the song of the summer for sure.

Dougie: It was written. Love that video too. Ohhhhh shit, Drizzy actually showed up.

Idris: They cut the homie off when he was tryna spit facts.

Dougie: You see how they do us?!

LEGEND – Diana Ross

Dougie: I feel like we always live in the now, but Diana Ross is a fucking legend through MULTIPLE decades.

Idris: Diana for sure a living legend.

Dougie: DIVA

Performance – Lady Gaga – “Shallow”

Dougie: She singing both parts tho? Ok.

Idris: Her voice though. She is amazing man.

Dougie: 100. Let me just take this shit in.

Performance – Travis Scott, James Blake, & Earth, Wind, and Fire

Dougie: Do we know how he did at the Superbowl yet? I heard something about Spongebob?

Idris: Oh man, this was not good. I don’t know if the Super Bowl was any better.

Dougie: Kardashians putting that nonsense in his head. The Kurse is still going strong.

Performance – Smokey Robinson, Ne-yo, and J. Lo

Dougie: J. Lo doing the Motown tribute tho? How we feel about that?

Idris: I guess there was no one better? I have no idea. Where was Miley Cyrus?

Dougie: LOL. You know I love J. Lo. I’ve met her twice, you know? Did I ever tell you that? ……..But, no.

Idris: Only every 2 weeks. But Yeah. Agree.

Dougie: Gotta be careful, fam. You know A. Rod reads this blog.

Idris: We get it. You have a great butt J-lo.

Dougie: She’s always been an amazing dancer.

Award – Best R&B Album

Idris: AYYY H.E.R. Holding it down. Wonder if she knows she’s inside tho?

Dougie: I like the shades tho. Block the haters. Keeps her mysterious. H.E.R. did her thing.

Why they keep playing us off the stage?!

Idris: Yo this award show too damn long. They can’t have us our here thanking everybody.

Dougie: Miley Cyrus can perform 45 times but we can’t thank God, Momma, and Auntie Kiki?!

Idris: We hate Miley Cyrus in case this shit wasn’t clear! LOL

Dougie: LOL, it’s not personal. It’s just the comedy rule of 3s…..

(It’s personal).

Performance – Brandy Carlisle – “The Joke”

Idris: This chick won 3 Grammys already? I knew my parents should have let me be a singer. I’d have 30.

Dougie: She got the tooth gap tho. That’s extra range. You gotta fall down a flight of stairs and lose a few before you can sing like that.

Idris: Damn. I actually kind of like this shit.

Dougie: She don’t give a fuck. She goin in. Travis Scott and his Wrestlemania cage be damned.

Movie Trailer – “US”

Dougie: Fam. We are going to see this, OPENING. NIGHT.

Idris: Say less

Performance – Chloe x Halle (Donny Hathaway Tribute)

Dougie: Beyoncé discovered these girls, right?

Idris: No idea. But they good.

Award – Best Rap Album

Dougie: Cardi wins this…

Idris: Wow! Good for her there were some good albums on that list. I would have honestly said Astroworld or Swimming by Mac Miller.

Dougie: Happy for her. Hope she keeps winning.

Can we get Offset’s bitch-ass off stage?

Idris: Haha let my mans live. He’s a changed man.

Dougie: She’s hilarious. No fakeness about her.

Idris: Yeah happy for her for sure. She is as real as it gets.

Performance – St. Vincent and Dua Lipa

Dougie: I like both of these ladies. I feel like St. Vincent has an erotic torture chamber of some sort…. We gotta find that shit.

Idris: They both probably in there

Award – Best New Artist

Idris: YO…. THIS IS HILARIOUS.

Dougie: Bob Newhart. I like the old-school humor. Bring our Rodney Dangerfield next.

Idris: Congrats to Dua….

Dougie: Dua Lipa? Ok. She’s from YouTube, right?

Idris: No idea fam.

Dougie: Whatever. She’s a baddie.

Idris: She alright.

Dougie: You just hate her accent. You need to try some new thangs.

Idris: I’m wildin’ She’s amazing. I’m a hater. I like accents though. So that ain’t it.

Dougie: Ok, we gotta get back on topic.

Idris: What’s that? St. Vincent’s torture chamber?

Dougie: *Googles* St……Vincent’s……Torture…..Chamber

Yo, my wife is going to see my search history and I’ll most likely have to answer some tough questions when I get home tomorrow…

Idris: NOOOOO. Careful fam.

Dougie: Black Panther won the Grammy for Best Movie Score. How did we miss that?

Idris: Oh… Must not have been televised. But well deserved.

Dougie: Gotcha. This show is mad long and I’m getting groggy. I gotta get up for work in like 2 hours.

Idris: Yeah man. This why Drake and Cardi getting cut off. Shit too long.

Dougie: Aight, aight.

Artists who passed in 2018

Idris: Damn. RIP to all these great acts.

Dougie: Yeah man, they touched many lives

Aretha Tribute – Fantasia, Yolanda Adams, and Andra Day

Dougie: Take em to church.

Idris: Amazing

Dougie: Pharrell got Producer of the Year. Props.

Idris: Well deserved. But he’ll never be Murda Beats.

Dougie: ….

Award – Record of the Year

Dougie: This. Is. America. Wow. That was a tough category.

Idris: Very tough. But once again a well-deserved win

Award – Album of the Year

Dougie: This is the big one. Gotta say I’m pulling for Cardi or Janelle.

Fuck, I forgot about Black Panther.

Idris: BOOOO. I knew they’d fuck this one up. A country album as album of the year? Ok…

Dougie: Kacey Musgraves? Ok. But on the real, it’s tough when all the Hip-Hop votes get split 4 ways, you know?

We got Taylor’ed again. The entire room is silent. Goodnight everyone.

Idris: I can’t say I’m surprised. But yeah have a good night fam.

See Y’all at the Oscars.

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